New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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