Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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