Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
