I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
