careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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