I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
