marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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