Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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