A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
