Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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