Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
