I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
