I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
