I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
