you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
