not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
