Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
