Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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