Girls should come with a carfax report
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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