I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize
