have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize