nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You dont lie about slip and slides
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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