she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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