Tell her she can't have a vagina
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize