I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
