Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
