I am midnight drunk by noon
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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