sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize