4 words: hood of his car
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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