Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
