Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
