apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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