I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
