I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
