Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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