I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
