**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize