Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
