there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
