sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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