I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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