I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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