Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize