so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
