I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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