i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
