New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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