6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I smell like Dick and happiness
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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