Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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