Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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