I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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