i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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