I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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