So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
