Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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