Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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