This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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