If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
