I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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