her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize