so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
