Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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