are you so shy because you have an std?
you traded sex for a burrito?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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