He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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